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I was going to offer a post that simply said, “Here’s my post,” but I finally paused and took a break and decided I’ve got something to say.

Nothing artful or beautiful or majestic.. just thoughts.

I’ve written a couple of these posts that are akin to entries in my Notebook, so I’ve started a new category – “Digital Notebook” under “Process”… I can’t seem to help it, even though I didn’t intend to write these kind of blog posts.  I tried to be deliberate about what I write here on Puro Love, complete with revisions, because that’s the new me (I like revising my writing, as of a year-ish)..  but here comes the Raw Thinking..  Hopefully it can be developed into a longer piece.

My plan is to print these Digital Notebook posts and paste them in my Notebook for further reflection — digital stuff, for me, kinda gets lost..

Onto those Raw Thoughts…

I’m disappointed because I haven’t been in my Notebook these past couple of days.  But, I’m kicking that to the curb.  I don’t need another negative emotion lumped on top of being unsettled for about 3 days now because of dealings with my brother.

It’s legal stuff over my Dad.  It’s cruel and I hate not having peace.  I’m not a denial person, I’ve had a tough life and have survived by learning not to run away, I can work through anything, I can help anyone through anything.. I can deal.  It’s just that this interrupts my peace, my interior life, my family, my work, my writing.  My writing.

It is already so hard to find time to pause and think and discover and reflect about beautiful things and memories in our busy lives, but have to deal with this muck..  ..I never compartmentalize and I have the worst poker face, so I tend to express:

I want to mourn my mother, sit and think of her, but there’s a hard reality we’ve been dealt — which is that my [good] sister and I are having to work through the decisions my IMG_8121mother made 2, 3 years before she died.  Hers is such a sad, sad plight, because she loved her son more than anyone, and he had her die like a homeless person, alone — without beauty, without love, without persons or possessions, she loved.  

My soul gasps just having written that!

It’s a sentence I’ve been writing to write for 12 days, maybe more, since January 20 — the day I found out she died, 5 days after her death — to make it public, make it known, make it True.

Mama hid the Truth, just like my brother hides it now, which is why I write now and publicly say he’s a rotten, low-down coward, a vain, sniveling, head-shaking narcissist, an ignorant chauvinist,  a willfully depraved misogynist, a twisted, religious sadist, an evil, woman-hating hypocrite, a pathological liar, a self-righteous goon who’s made himself God.

Not anymore, Jim Perez.  You’re bad, and I’m telling the world.  You can’t hide it anymore.

You’ve depended on our shame to keep everything hidden.  Well, I’d rather deal with the shame of having everything revealed.  Surely, it can’t be any worse.  You are so opposite the world that your sorry story has taught me the inverse of your puniness as a man must be true:  there’s greater shame in not showing and telling, keeping the Truth from those who want to learn, know, and grow in love.

Love.

It was a stupid move.  The last thing you should have ever done in your lifetime was pick on your little sister, the writer who knows your entire history, and hurt the people she loves.

 

 

 

11 thoughts on “On that bad guy, my brother. Mad, mental musings before the flow. SOLC – Day 12

  1. I wonder, how do you feel after posting this slice? I am envious of your courage to “tell the world” what you are feeling. I am carrying around an emotional weight that is preventing me from actually writing. Last night, I thought that I would ‘share with the world’ just a little slice about how I am feeling. It wasn’t even close to really getting at the root. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep more than an hour last night. I so badly wanted to archive my slice.

    I’m sorry that you are experiencing such a hardship with your brother. If it means anything, someone in CT wants to punch him in the face for hurting a fellow slicer.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, Georgia,

      Well, aside from self-writer-judgment (I’ll be going back into the first few paragraphs for clarity & brevity, get rid of the rambling..), I feel pretty good, and I can sum it up in a couple of points.

      1. I was afraid of reader judgment, but it’s wrong for me to cast judgment on them and assume no one will accept my thoughts and ideas. That’s saying the world’s bad, not accepting, whatever. It’s judgment. I also know readers have choices and I whole-heartedly respect their right to rejection. I’m ready for it because my need to cry out outweighs my concern for acceptance. I just gotta do it.

      2. It helps that I had someone real to turn to for validation. This morning, I woke up and read my post to my husband — literally jumped out of bed and read it off my phone — when he asked me, “Did you get to write last night?” He knows my story, he affirms me — so I guess that can take the place of ghost readers *who I know* may be shy to respond because this is pretty heavy stuff, accusing someone of being a narcissist, woman-hater, etc.

      3. I’m logically seeing this as overcoming the isolation and abuse my brother has willfully dealt all these years. I have to do it as a just thing. It’s my own personal social justice project.

      4. I see this as helping others.. because I know fear, shame, sadness, hurt, woundedness exist — and I see myself as partially healed because I’ve already begun with admitting, proclaiming, and accepting. This bad thing happened, but it doesn’t make me bad.

      5. Repeat: This bad thing happened, but it doesn’t make me bad. I fully embrace the NWP culture of being role model writers for my kids. I try to live this throughout my life — I do stuff, name it, express it if anyone needs a way to figure out to do it.

      6. Last option: just write it, but don’t hit publish. Seeing the words on the monitor can be just as real — tell yourself they’re real and what you’re feeling is real and that being able to say what you feel is a good, wholesome, proper thing.

      We have a right to feel the way we feel. It’s the beginning of being in command of everything else.

      Much, much love from Texas. ❤

      PS — Now I'll be following your stuff, fellow slicer. Wonderful to meet you! You have my full support, whether you reveal X or not. 🙂 xo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Writing about things I feel passionate about helps me to process them. I hope writing it down helped you to organize and come to terms with your feelings.
    Keep writing…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sending strength and a hug, Veronica. Posts like this remind me of Anne Lamott’s perfect point: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” Clearly, your brother forgot that cardinal rule of being related to a writer. That’s just his too bad. You keep writing, keep feeling. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. GG, Thank you for your well wishes and especially for Anne Lamott’s quote on ppl behaving better. The guilt isn’t mine. Love “his too bad.” Yep. Thank you, thank you. ❤

      Like

  4. I could just read your writing all – day – long. Really. I, like other commenters, am so amazed, impressed, jolted, envious….of your honesty. And, like the others, am so angry that people in the world -especially family – can be so cruel and downright bad. I have faith that you will overcome. You are so refreshing to read. Thank You and I wish PEACE for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carrie, thank you, especially for your peace. I embrace it and send it back to you with a red balloon. Peace for me comes in waves, and I’m waiting for 2 hurdles – telling betrayal details (I hope to remember!), and then the legal stuff (protection of Dad, access to Mom’s possessions.. we haven’t been able to see a thing).

      Whatever happened to him wasn’t as bad to justify what he does now. Some people are warped.. I’m glad it’s not us, nor the majority of humanity. xox (thanks again for your PEACE! I apprecite it!)

      Liked by 1 person

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