The most interesting thing about being here is knowing my mother was never part of the internet.  Even if I was given the opportunity to teach my mother how to use gmail, even if my brother had allowed her to get on to communicate with me and the rest of her family, I”m not sure..

.. I don’t care to write this.  Not sure what I want to write tonight.

I’m restless, so I’ll make the decision to go to my room, take a bath, and sit and write in my Notebook.

Since my mother’s death, I’ve noted the change in my habits.  It started with a dullness, not taking pleasure in anything.  Balloons were deflated, flowers wilted.  I knew this was happening, but didn’t pay attention to it because of my grief.  There was just the morning pain and evening sorrow to fall asleep to, nothing else. What I found interest in, my little personal indulgences, went by the wayside.  I knew this, maybe allowing it, but I can’t be too sure this was in my control.  My faith, my family, my work, and my mother’s death were all I cared to keep about me.  Right now, I’m seeing this as a re-orienting, a reset of my compass to what I’d had before — simplicity.

There was a time when I had no obsession with the internet.. because it didn’t exist.

There was a time when I had no obsession with the internet.. because it was simple at the time.  We were only university students trying to connect to other geeks behind monitor screens.

I’ve missed those days, especially in recent years.  My life had changed, like the way my mind worked.  My memory had disappeared, like my ability to focus.  Mama’s death cured me of all that.  When she died, the illusion I’d lived didn’t matter.

So, now I’m beginning to notice the careful little decisions I make daily.  Like, regarding work:

– I should do this now, instead of later.
– What else needs to be taken care of?
– What can I do after this?
– Put this where it belongs, all the way, complete the task.

Regarding me.. really regarding me:

– When will I make time to do what I like? When will I write?
– When will sit down and think of my mother?
– When can I sit and be alone with my thoughts?
– When can I sit and pray and talk with my God?

These are ideas that haven’t cross my mind in years..

Years.  That’s how bad all off this was for me.

I see my mother when I focus on proper things to do.. no goof of time, it’s me being mature.  I see my mother when I think of  finding time for myself.

Even after she’s gone, my mother still changes my life.